Instructions for cleaning the toilet!

This is what my uncle Ali has emailed to me. I hope it does not offend anybody....

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed at which he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

With best wishes,

The Dog

And here is the photograph of one wet moggy:

I am going to be wealthy!

Dear One (Being A Foreigner) , I am Mr.DAVID MIKE, A staff of one of the commercial bank in COTE D'IVOIRE. I am pleased to get across to you for a very urgent and profitable business proposal, though I don't know you neither have I seen you before but my confidence was reposed on you. A contract file worth ( US$10.350.000) Dollars with the name has been noticed lying waste in our contract and account department. As one of our international remittance director, I am obliged to notify you, Now (being a foreigner) I want this money to be paid into your account for us to share 50/50 all i need from you is your honesty and you will promise me that you will not run away with this money.Again i want to let you know that this fortune was only disclosed to you so i demand you keep it as a secret for the sucessful conclusion of it. Upon the receipt of this mail please send me your full names, telephone/fax number, and email address. Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated. I require you to treat this letter with the utmost urgency. Best Regards

Mr DAVID MIKE.

And this is my reply,

Dear Mr David Mike,

I am so excited about getting all this money. I've just ordered 2 tonnes of the best beef bones from the organic butcher. I am also looking into buying a Welsh sheep farm, so I can chase sheep all day long and keep myself amused. I asked my Mummy to order me a posh new bed, diamond collar and a diamond studded leash from Cartier's, so I am going to be the coolest pooch on the block. Thank you again for sending me this Pee-mail.

Here are my details:-

Pumpkin Greens

Telephone: +44 (0) 0207 555 6666

Email:pumpkin@bcnh.co.uk

And he replied......

Dear Pumpkin

I hope this mail meets you well. I want to thank you for your prompt reply to my email. It is true that we do not know each other, I found myself in this opportunity and with my position I had no option than to give out this blind trust and I appreciate confiding in you for this business that will profit us both. As you said that you have being reiceving this types of email.please i am joking with you or liein.

I want you to know that I did not just wake up and decided to do this deal, I did my proper home work before contacting you. I work with this bank here in Abidjan Cote d' Ivoire, I am presently the director of Audit & Records of my bank. I have worked with this bank for more than 10yrs now and I want to assure you that if I am not sure that this transfer will work, I would not have thought of doing it.

I want to tell you now that this transfer will be done under the legitimate BTO of my country, what I want from you is your TRUST & HONESTY. You will have to play a very big role for us to actualise this transaction that is why I am offering you a 50:50 sharing ratio. All I want is for you to promise to be steadfast all through. After the transfer, you will help me open an account in your country where you will lodge my own part of the money pending my arrival. The money is held in a coded suspence account and I have all the access informtion which I will give to you thereafter. When the money will be transferred, it will be labelled as inheritance son there will not be any problem with your government authorities, all we needed now is LAWYER who can help us and get the Neccessary Documents that will enable our bank to transfer the fund nothing more.

this transaction with uttermost secrecy.

Thank you very much as for your urgent respond.Try send your information to me so that i can send you the application that you will send to the Bank as the next of kin .With all the documents i have the money will be transfer to your acconut.but do not make away with my onw shar.

YOU CAN CALL ME FOR MORE INFORMATION +225,09030476

I WAIT FOR YOUR RESPONSE

DAVID MIKE

Baa - baa white sheep

My all time favourite bone comes from a leg of lamb. When I go on holiday to Wales I see hundreds of juicy legs wandering the hills. I don’t understand why my Mummy has to get them from the butcher? I am not allowed in his shop in case I eat his sausages & chops ..... Why don’t we just get them for free?

I like to hunt sheep because they are the only things that run away from me. I can get quite close to them, because I look like a baby lamb myself. They come right up to me and say ‘baa – baaa’, and then I start my hunting song - "woofy woof", and they all run away. I run after them, but they run really fast, and I, because I am so small, have problems getting through the thick heather, and before I know it, I am lost!

That is when I start to panic. I have heard that farmers shoot cheeky little dogs like me, for chasing their sheep! But not to worry. I soon hear my Mummy screaming my name and calling me names like 'stupid imbecile' and I have to go on the leash till we get home.

At dinner time I go berserk from all the lovely smells coming from the kitchen. I beg and whine, but I get thrown outside for my pains and told to be patient! Not my favourite pastime! I''d rather sit in a naughty corner for 10 minutes. I get so upset that I can’t even concentrate on my favourite biscuits!

Anyway, after what seems to be ages and ages, I finally get my bone. But I don’t want to eat it outside; it is much nicer and cleaner to chew it on the carpet. But Mummy won’t let me inside and Daddy laughs, and takes a photo of poor me looking through the door with the bone in my mouth.

It’s a hard dogs life!

Why do humans think that we don’t laugh?

Is it because of the famous Greek philosopher, Aristotle, who had said in 4th century BC that only human animals can laugh?

Although Aristotle was a great philosopher and scientist of his era, he was clearly wrong on this subject.

Scientists have now confirmed that we, pooches, do laugh, although not in the same way as the humans do. My mummy and daddy always knew that I could laugh. I find it very funny when my mum loses a cribbige game and my dad laughs his head off (and me with him). My mummy wants to take tap-dancing lessons (God helps us) but daddy will not let her do it until she manages to beat him in cribbage (she is 26 games behind right now). Back to serious stuff. Apparently, our laugh sounds similar to a normal pant. When scientists played the recorded ‘dog-laugh’ vocalization to 120 dogs in a shelter setting, they’ve found that it promoted pro-social behavior, increased tail wagging and it decreased stress levels. So, my doggy friends, keep laughing!!!

A bone a day keeps doggy dentist away!

According to my uncle Ryk (daddy's dentist), bones help improve dental health, because they help to scrape away any plaque, and therefore control tartar buildup. This means healthy gums, whiter teeth and no doggy bad breath.

However, I do wonder why he does not recommend chewy bones to my dad???

Apart from many health benefits, bones are fun. My favorite are natural beef bones. Yummy.

When my daddy brings home my favorite beef bones, I chew them for hours and hours, and I get so absorbed with them that I even forget to chase squirrels (I hope they appreciate the break).

So, if you want to have healthy gums and a kissable doggy mouth, you know what to do.

Speak soon.

‘Naughty Pumps’

I could not resist this!

Seven cute puppies try to communicate with a scared cat

Video from funnycop

Who says that cats and dogs cannot be friends?

My good friend Snowy - pictured on the right, cuddling to her boyfriend Nutmeg, keeps me company when my mum goes away. Snowy is a very special cat, because she is deaf. But that does not stop her from leading a perfectly normal life. In fact, Snowy is a bit cheeky. She told me I should eat her cat food, and I did. Even worse. I loved it. But that is not all. Snowy also showed me how to do my business in a cat litter, so I do not need to go out when it is cold and rainy. When my mum found out, she was going to kill me. I was not allowed to see Snowy for a long time after that. Snowy and I keep in touch, but she does not seem to miss me too much. I guess she is too busy playing games with her boyfriend Nutmeg. If you read this Snowy, please get in touch.

How I've become a vegetarian

I've always been a big fan of fresh produce. My mum caught me out several times eating her plants and flowers in the garden.....

"Naughty Pumps! Go to your naughty corner!" she scolded me.

My mum, who runs her own nutrition college, is very hot on greens, so I thought she would be pleased with me having some plants for breakfast or lunch (from time to time). But I was wrong.

So, one day, I decided to try some of my mum’s cuisine: apples, pears, avocados, blueberries, beans, nuts, coconuts, cherry tomatoes, potato salad (yummy), etc.

However, I must confess I do like chocolate as well. In fact, I have been caught stealing chocolate bars from mummy’s students’ handbags and then suffered the consequence of sitting 10 minutes in a naughty corner.

But overall, I am a very good girl and I help my mummy as much as I can. I even have my own page on her website - http://www.bcnh.co.uk/askpumpkin.html, where public can send questions on nutrition. If it is a difficult one, I ask one of my mummy’s staff to help me. But generally I endeavor to answer most of the questions myself, especially when they promise me a bar of chocolate….

So much for my introduction folks. Speak soon.

Pumps